All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
James is trying to butt-heads with a moose. I don't know whether I should stop him or just sit back and watch where this goes.
"willing to pay anyone fun whos willing to hang out and laugh at my jokes while my friends are MIA" is this to desperate?
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
The internet is out at West Chester so I'm masturbating using my imagination. What is this, the fucking dark ages?
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
