The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.
strike, motherfucker.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
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