my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
P.S. I can't hear my feet
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
no body wants to do anything today cause it's too cold, but a guy can only masturbate so many times a day. Ya know
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
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