I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
my brother has friends over and I can hear one of them screaming from the basement "BREATHE. FILL YOUR LUNGS. LIVE YOUR LIFE." and it sounds like he's doing some motivational speaking down there but that's actually just how he encourages ppl to take bong hits
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
That moment when you sit down to shit and someone is watching porn on the other side of the wall.
What're you gonna do with the rest of your night?
Probably watching cooking videos and fantasizing about pie
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
He picked me up in Smart Car with the license plate “MYWHIP.” I think my ovaries shriveled up and died.
Randomize
