I cont stop tolking in a british axsent
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?
Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.
No more scars from drunken holidays, people are starting to notice.
I dont have any paper so I'm writing class notes on my first response direction pregnancy paper. Judging eyes are all around.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
Yeah. I was about to call 911 but I ended up breaking the door frame off then ran and puked all the way home.
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I'm always down for nudity.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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