i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.
Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
I told him I was on my period but he says "I'm a doctor, you think I can't handle blood?" And just went for it. Jackpot
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Now the fun stuff starts.
Someone is losing a finger.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize