She came to work with 6 additional layers of make-up, playing every Nickelback song about explicit teen sex, and with a dozen twinkies she bet she could finish without chewing any. I'm investing in a rape whistle.
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
We're following a guy carrying a door for beer pong at his place..join us when you are deemed sober enough to leave the hospital.
The amount of drugs I did this weekend make me concerned about my health but at the same time fascinated to see if I could do more
How high is the bridge and how deep is the water and what are the chances I will get arrested
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
Please tell me how the stripper got back to Sarah's from the trailer park
Strip club or gay bar tonight?
I am an emotionally compromised bisexual.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
Excuse you? I'm an asshole at least 90% of the time. Get it right.
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