im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
well,he told me "i bet you five bucks that i can right cum on the mirror with my cum" i said alright do it, lets just say he's five bucks richer...
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Anal and Aoki tickets...I'd say I give pretty good Valentines Day gifts.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
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