I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
She once gave me sex advice over the phone while intoxicated. So no you don't have the cooler therapist.
Is eating fries while lying on the floor bad for you?
If I choke and die at least I will have been doing something I love
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
If we order a pizza and I contribute 9 cents, is that fair?
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
It was 3 am when she drunkenly tried to deep-fry a banana.
How'd she do that?
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Riddle me this: why did I wake up next to a stuffed sword fish?
I just found two ugly toothless rednecks fucking in the woods in my backyard. The man shouted at me close the door your letting the stank out which made no sense to me cuz we where outside. Whatever. just another Monday in the Northwoods.
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