Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
It's just like riding a horse. A very tall, gay horse.
Ok now I cleared out half the bar and Em and I have 5 Jameson shots lined up for you. You have 15 min.
THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm just gonna go have sex with whom ever is in the men's room.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
While he was going down town Julie brown, I was eating French fries. True Love
I just walked across town, stoned off my ass and barefoot in 35 degree weather for him to bust five mins in and then apologize 13 times as I got dressed.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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