I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.
Just got my econometrics book in the mail and started flipping through it. Our Thursday parties may turn into u convincing me not to kill myself.
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
I feel like I was eaten by a coyote, then shit over a cliff...
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
I saw his new girlfriend. She was flashing people, short and kinda chubby. I was happy with my life after that.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
You told me that you couldn't come over because you felt like you were gonna die and that houses eat you when you die, and my house couldn't eat you because your house would be jealous. That's when I knew to take the bowl away from you.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
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