And I just threw up at the table during Mother's Day Brunch.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
We got naked and peed in the garden. Something about bonding with our new house
just texted my dealer that i could taste the blue but not the cheese. i said i could taste blue.
My neighbor was my D.A.R.E officer and I feel like I've defeated him by smoking weed outside everyday
Got a $290 noise violation last night for shouting "THE KING OF THE NORTH" til 2 am
I once broke a mans heart just to get laid by a premature ejaculator
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
dad says come back and get the lawn mower out of the pool before mom gets home
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