The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Can't decide which I like more. Telling a girl she's pregnant or telling her she has herpes. It's the little things that make medicine tolerable.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Thanksgiving day drinking ended up with me in a shopping cart screaming where are the bitches and condoms. I'd say it went well.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
WINE AND FILM. TALK ABOUT AN UPGRADE FROM NETFLIX AND CHILL.
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
