i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
There will be two dogs there to provide supervision. Not to worry.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras
And I feel like pitchers of margaritas accidentally make it down your throat a lot.
I mean, the lady at the Mexican restaurant insisted. She said she would win a prize if she sold another pitcher before noon. And plus I got to wear a sombrero
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
new district manager is here. you need to come in early
5th mimosa says otherwise
Never thought an ATM max withdrawal could be such a good thing...
I woke up at 3am, top off, with campus security telling me to get dressed. Tonight was a GOOD NIGHT
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