She tried to have sex with him but he quote unquote respected her
my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
She was standing in the road flagging traffic in a tshirt and boxers. I didn't stop.
All she wanted was a cigarette
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Ummm didn't i have pubes when i went to bed last night?
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
Randomize
