woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Be prepared to possibly be invited to a fancy strip club breakfast on Friday and be prepared to say yes.
she drove 3 hrs one way just to sleep with me. I felt bad complaining about paying for condoms.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I just want a boyfriend who will have sex to Disney Pandora.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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