Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
You were running around the house covered in syrup, with shredded down pillow feathers on your body screaming "AFLACK!" at everyone
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
idk i was trying to watch Fuller House and you got up out of a dead sleep, just in your boxers, said "no more Dave Coulier" and walked out to the living room and unplugged the router
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
Randomize
