As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.
im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile
just threw all of the fireworks into the bonfire. thats why there are firetrucks.
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.
She still started it.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
You wanna know how bad I feel? I couldn't get out of bed to get the remote, so I just downloaded the comcast app on my phone so I could change the channels
When they send me to rehab, I'm screaming your name down the halls.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Randomize
