the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
Give him a trash can and a welcome home balloon, he will be good.
Don't mind me. My boyfriend is carrying me because I'm broken not because I'm drunk.
It's not even 9:30 yet..
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
