Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
i prefer some hard alcohol, but wine makes me feel less of a progressive alcoholic
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I just wanna be euthanized
Thas it
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
where are my eyebrows?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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