I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Currently sitting in the movie theatre bathroom while she gives him a blowjob in the parking lot. Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
I’m torn. She’s crazy - like legitimately “Wear your skin as a suit” crazy. But her blow jobs and dirty talk are Pornhub quality!
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