I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
why didn't you poke me back
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
You is good. You is important. You is a slut.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
He was on my bed looking at me like a sacrifice to the gods of gay sex and he's definitely a bottom. Like Jesus Christ a really, really great ass of a bottom.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Randomize
