Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.
you have to choose: penises or morals?
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
I’m vetoing meatball margaritas right out the gate. We can’t have people throwing up again!
Randomize
