so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
dude, i turned on the light and asked if they were ok and they STILL didn't stop. Most determined sex EVER.
It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
New low. Just realized I hooked up with a guy from Grindr in the hallway of a building my great grandfather used to own..
Ok so I didn't mean for his first impression of me to be lying face down on his roommates bedrooms floor throwing up my jäger but it happened. Atleast my ass looked good in those jeans. Think I still have a shot?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
I have vodka, fruit gushers, and health insurance. Let's party.
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