i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
Yeah, I think they knew. I smelled like that telltale combination of strippers and Easter.
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
I woke up naked dangling by my feet from the balcony over his foyer. He's officially my new favorite booty call.
The Medal of Honor you banged could be at the inauguration today. You really dropped the ball on keeping up with that one.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Every time I started to really hate the guys on tinder, the universe throws me a muscly beardy bone.
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
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