Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
No worries. It'll grow back. I mean, hey, my eyebrows grew back after he shaved them off. So it's all good.
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
Why can't burritos get me drunk
you do realize the next step is naked mud wrestling, right?
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
