Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
That's the great thing about NY, if you pee your dress you have an entire cab ride to air dry your panties before the next club.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
Overdraft my account again. Parents are starting to ask questions. What would go over better a gambling or drug addiction??
Is shaving my mustache contingent on you sleeping over tonight?
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
What's your opinion on eating ass? Just looking for a yes or no
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize
