I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
He brought me bullshit flowers and a bullshit apology. Even shrek did more than that for Fiona. And he's an ogre. Does this not say anything about him?
My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
But if you were going to pour a liquid on your naked body in fall its definitely pumpkin inspired something.
Just stepped off the plane in St. Louis. I'm breaking out in hives, I'm allergic to Midwesterners. Can't WAIT to get the fuck out of here.
I will have to bone him sometime between now and July so he will move all my shit again
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
We need to get me chipped asap
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Did you mark a random day on my calendar as National Seth Day?
Sounds like a legit day to me.
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