I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
I woke up to a bag of pies and a lot of questions
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
