Ever since he's come out, my facebook stalking experience has gotten uncomfortable
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
i looked at my phone and realized all i had said to her the entire night was misspelled variations of "NOTHING IS THE SAME" over and over. she eventually stopped replying.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
I hooked up with a British man... Wiz Khalifa has your bra... Couldn't have been a more successful night!
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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