Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Ah, the precious few moments between when i wake up and when i realize why i'm sleeping on a treadmill.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
This just became a night full of adventures...and by adventures I mean hitting people with my car
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Randomize
