tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
you washed your face with toilet water last night.. i tried to stop you but you wouldn't have it.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I feel like it's the kind of place that would appriciate my Aladdin vest
Lunch?
Massage?
Spanking with handcuffs?
I feel like i'm being yelled at when you type in all caps.Did you just have bad sex?
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
It's like Guy Diamond blew glitter into my vagina.
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