I just fired a shotgun out of the back of a truck going 60. i am going to miss oregon.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
Randomize