what part of covering your puke with shaving cream seemed like a good idea?
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
for not the first time in my life, my clothes are covered in piss and i'm standing in line waiting to buy pedialyte at a convenience store
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
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