She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
I mixed the ketchup wit the mustard in one bottle to save time making hotdogs
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
I have photo proof.
Girl, don't care. What's my rule? If I don't remember it, it never happened.
TJ is going to paint me in a Patriots Jersey he can paint you in an eagle jersey. Did this last year and got so much dick.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
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