My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.
i just realized why god gave us younger siblings....to DD for us when we come home for the summers
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
Sent him a picture of my pregnant boobs from last year, think he'll notice the difference?
We were sitting in a hot tub debating how drunk we could get by osmosis if we kept spilling our drinks in it. This is what engineering college does to you.
You don't know how much I love you. You could play Careless Whisper while we have sex and I'd still love you
I am eating a king sized snickers in the strip club. Good morning.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
It was a blast. I was going to say that throwing up in the airport bathroom wasn't classy, but it's classier than quietly puking into a fast food cup while in your seat during takeoff...
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
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