Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
i just peed out my two story window using my cell phone as a flashlight . hope the neighbors didnt see
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
My prof handed me back my essay on Lesbians in literature, gave me an A and then we had sex in her office. Told you she was gay.
I was at his place until 2am. We just sat really close an stared at each other. I think you are right. Germans must not have feelings. Not even tingly ones in their pants.
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