I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
I lost the back to your old name tag last night in a girls shirt. It got me a view of some titties though, I guess in some way you're still doing your brotherly deeds
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
