Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
at what point last night did we decide it was okay to let me hitch hike to another bar?
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life
None of those words made sense together.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Randomize
