Do you think unemployment will give me a christmas bonus?
you read me verses from the beginners bible until my answering machine finally ran out of time and cut you off.
I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
At least they took the pillow of my bed before they had sex. My friends are so polite.
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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