I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I looked up to you, until I saw her walk out of your room.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
I'm taking stock of m life as of right now and my Friday night plans are to drink a 30 rack by myself so I can have a tv stand when it is finished
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
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