Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I'm tuning in to watch Heidi Montag crash and burn on the Miss Universe Pageant. Somebody call 911. and I'm not talking about the Sean Kingston song.
It just feels so wrong throwing away the condoms into her Hello Kitty trashcan
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
I also found a beer label in my bra and I'm pretty sure you put it there and said "this means I trust you"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
So I'm hiding in my bathroom smoking bowls because my landlords kids came over to visit my dog... My life has reached a new low
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Let's do something tonight. I feel like setting things on fire.
Randomize
