I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
just left the emergency room. condom extraction.
I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
you took a potato out of your pocket and just started eating it raw. don't know where the potato came from though
21st birthday = success
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
Costco (TM). Making alcoholism affordable!
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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