I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.
I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.
I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
At one point I was giving him a handjob and I started singing Call Me Maybe
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
Then, she put flavored warming oil on my dick and was amazed when something she bought FROM SPENCER'S almost burned my dick off.
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
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