moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I need to shower three times. First to be clean, second to wash off all sins, and third will classify as baptism.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
Randomize
