My dad just told me he used to masturbate to cat woman...he then proceeded to beat my brother in beer pong and wont let me play...
Even the bartender felt bad for me
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
Great news. Our sex broke my otter box
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
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