I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room
Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this
I just saw a stripper wear a tube top around her floppy gut. God bless Michigan.
So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.
ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
Not gonna lie, Wednesday was the perfect day to get laid off, all I've done since is watch the Simpsons marathon
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Randomize
