omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
My cat just tried to lay on my stomach while I was masturbating. And I let her because I am so starved for affection.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
When I came out of the bathroom you were naked dead asleep on the couch but your dick was still rock hard standing straight up. I almost took a pic. It was impressive.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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