you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
I just threw up a christmastime peep. I am literally already sick of the holidays.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
Officially spring today. First sighting of loud-ass Steller Jay on the balcony.
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
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