we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive
you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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