i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
No other awkward car ride can beat the one you give your drug dealer home.
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
You're talking to someone who was 80% serious about breaking into someone's house and leaving a cat there with our names in a heart tag on its collar
Came home to butt plugs and dildos in the bathroom sink WTF
Spring cleaning
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
