There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Struggs. It's also 90 degrees out but I'm not sure I can feel heat or cold any more. Too hungover.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
Well you should have thought of that before you were reckless with your butt
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
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