You have more facebook pictures than most towns have people.
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Yea I almost drowned giving a BJ in the shower once
i snuck out to taco bell in my hospital gown earlier
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
I found a hot kiwi last time and sucked his dick. That's what rooftop bars are made for.
Wow i just puked in front of the lady that was drug testing me. I passed though!
Randomize
