dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something
you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe
I fcuked ip.
Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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