He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
