I'm terrified to sleep next to her. Of course the sex will be fuckng awesome.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
I almost went home with him but then my hydroxycut fell out of my purse at the bar and I ran away
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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