You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Quoting wale wont save you from herpes
There's trophy wives that arent even in the 5th grade yet
i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
He sent a pic, I sent one back. Then nothing. It's like we sext-messaged goodbye and ended the relationship.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I just ate 6 cheeseburgers with some homeless guy. Pretty epic.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
But forealz I'm gonna need a solid 52 orgasms so hydrate.
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
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