I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
I take back everything bad I said about that song party in the usa. There's just something about seeing a cross dresser lipsing it that makes a song sooo much better.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
I'm surprised I don't have a permanent face imprint between my boobs.
I still don't like him. I'm also filled with alcohol, so I'll revisit the statement in the morning.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
Playing Cards Against Humanity with my relatives at Christmas while I'm stoned was a bad idea...
Leaving the puke on the ceiling as a reminder.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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