the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
You told me to pour the Gatorade on you "like Flashdance"
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
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