My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
But on the up side she uprooted a whole peony plant from the hotel downtown and said, "I brought you flowers"
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
In an unrelated matter, im gonna eat you out so much later.
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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