it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
There's a mechanical bull in the basement dude where are you
its the first football sunday and my boyfriend isn't excited. this isn't gonna last unless he makes me snacks and brings me beer during the game.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
Never start off a conversation with "speaking of STD's..."
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
Randomize
