every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Watching him is like watching a star slowly implode
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
He told me I had smoking hot areolas then he wins an executive of the year award. How does that even happen?
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Just cuz I'm recovering alcoholic does NOT make me the taxi for you every weekend
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
