I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
I'm drunk from drinking bourbon out of a "cupcake sippy cup" at the Denny's bar. What the fuck happened to the goals I had?
I just want the relationship Bob and Linda Belcher have- is that too much to ask?!
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
Randomize
