What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream
he seriously made his penis a facebook.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
I got blackout last night and applied to be a banker
ugh i want to get waxed but I’m afraid. my vagina has had enough trauma this week, i don’t know if I can put her thru any more.
He has a penis. Therefore, he counts.
Randomize
