She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
Do you think Tom Brady went home tonight and changed his facebook status to "pink with lace"?
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.
I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.
FYI, Sammie and I made the executive decision that we're getting a pet octopus and keeping it in the ballpit. Just thought you should know.
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
